The Good, The Bad, The Really Mad: Parking Stories

"Here's the wind-up..and the pitch to the plate.."

2011-04-03T08:24:00.000-06:00

I know..long long LONG time since I posted..

Two weeks ago I am writing tickets in a North West hood. I found a vehicle to write for being too close to a crosswalk. Ordinance is 20ft from, and the car was 4ft. Simple enough..right? So after writing the $25.00 ticket I moved on. That was about 10:21 am. About 2 hours later..repeat, About 2 hours and 20 tickets later I am back near where I wrote that ticket too close to a crosswalk. I am driving down a nice quiet street and in my rear view mirror I see a fast approaching vehicle. I pulled closer to the side and stopped.

The "fun" begins..

The vehicle comes to a fast stop in a 45 degree angle blocking East and West bound traffic...The driver, who I will call "Nolan Ryan" leaped out of his vehicle and started to run at my vehicle...

I will paraphrase..

"Fuck you..fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck you again fuck feeucck and you wrote me a fuckin ticket" Only after hearing Nolan say that someone wrote him a ticket did I partially comprehend the situation. Partially is the operative word since I was unsure who had wrote the citation. I did not recognize the vehicle still at this point.

Long story..getting longer.

I yelled back with an arm motion "..get going I will call police...keep moving.." etc. etc. More "F" bombs yeadda yeadda yeadda. So he then yells.."The reason you are bald is because you write shitty tickets." I differed. Poking my head out of the window, losing eyesight of Nolan, I yelled back "The reason I am bald is having to deal with people like (now looking directly at Nolan who is 15ft away..I see something being hurled at me) I finish my thought.."You." The sound of a "crack" hitting my windshield. I quickly called dispatch and relayed the car's vitals to my dispatcher. To my right was a light blue coffee cup lying in the right of way. At that point I looked into my computer and only then did I notice that I wrote Nolan's vehicle earlier. Dispatch said he has been a "good customer." The time is now 12:07 pm.

Police showed up withing 15 minutes. Statement written. Witness 2 houses down makes himself available. Evidence bagged. Cop drives off and looks for purp. Another 15-20 minutes passes by. Police call me to do a sight drive by. "Yup, thats da guy." and Purp is issued a $250.00 citation by police and Nolan's appearance in court will soon follow.

A $25 buck citation, 2 hours later...

"Did I throw my cell phone at you?"

2010-10-02T11:47:00.000-06:00

So I issued a citation to a vehicle and later the citizen found me. (Not at all hard since I was working in a small neighborhood..with bright flashing lights on my vehicle) Anyway she came up to me and I explained what the ticket was for. In between the expletives, I did recognize the words..and, the, you are, and go to. She finally went back to her vehicle, out of breath and out of short descriptive sentences. I would say..hmmm..about 10 minutes had past and I see the same woman, in her car, in my rear view mirror. Of course this is where I have a little fun. I drove around for 5 minutes with complete randomness. I finally pulled over. She came up to me window, cracked open 6 inches, and she started to apologize. After her apology, she asked one question, "Did I throw my cell phone at you?" I paused, trying not to laugh..at least..on the outside. I then said, "I did not hear anything hitting my vehicle."

How can someone be so angry, in a span of no more than 10 minutes, and forget if they did or did not throw their cell phone at me? The world may never know such minor things.

Wheelbarrow Violence

2010-05-08T07:18:00.000-06:00

Due to the increased violence committed by wheelbarrows in my city, the police have begun locking them up.

Just another random picture while I am work as an "effin meter maid."

Street Sweeping...

2010-05-08T07:13:00.002-06:00

The other day I was on my Street Sweeping route and had come to a delay at a Stop sign. I was going what the Fu.. is the hold up? The school bus was just sitting there and it must have been 3-4 minutes. (it seemed) And then I saw the delay. These two elderly people were crossing the street. Obviously I had to grab a picture.

So Take Me To Court!

2010-05-02T22:18:00.000-06:00

So, last month I wrote a ticket during street sweeping. Street sweeping: You can't park on one side of the street, one day a month, April thru November, 8am to 5pm. So on this one day, on one side of the street a citizen obviously was mad. I never saw the gentleman. But he did go to the magistrate to have the tickets canceled. I am paraphrasing the notes here:

Citizen: Cancel my street sweeping ticket, I have a pass

Magistrate: (looks up his pass) You pass is no longer valid at your location. Besides, passes dont work during street sweeping.

Citizen: Cancel my ticket because I cant get up at 8am and move my car. (Magistrate did not leave a note whether they told him he had a whole month to move his car prior to his specific sweep day)

Magistrate:Offered ticket cost reduction. Citizen wants to have a final hearing.

So I get my summons to go to court. When it was my turn to be called before the traffic judge with the citizen, the judge asks him if he was ready. He said he wanted to make a statement on why he shouldn't pay for the ticket. The judge says that she will listen to him while he or I am on the stand. But not before we are all sworn in. She again asked if he wanted to have his final hearing or he could plead guilty. And then she said he will hear his statement. He plead guilty before I was even sworn in. The judge says "Thank You Officer, you may be excused."

Original citation amount: $25
Magistrates reduction he turned down: $20
Citation + late fee+ court fees=$71
Lesson learned: unknown

Break Time

2010-04-18T08:35:00.000-06:00

Us "effin meter maids" take breaks like normal people. We eat and sleep like normal people. We don't all practice Mayan blood sacrifices, pray to pagan gods and or worship the devil. As we are traveling through the neighborhoods inciting fear and hate, we stop for a break or two. On one such warm almost spring day, I found a Lemonade Stand. A perfect spot and a wonderful host.

Cash only.

Mother And Son, Colfax.

2010-04-18T08:15:00.000-06:00

During my daily travels, enforcement area's, I get to meet and or see some very nice people. As I was heading back to the office after a day of plundering the citizen's of my fair city, I saw these two very nice people. I asked them to smile. The son said, "I would if I had any teeth." I laughed aloud and took the picture.

Street Sweeping And Yoda

2010-04-18T08:07:00.000-06:00

In my fair city, Street Sweeping is a necessary evil. It needs to be done and tickets are plentiful. On certain days of the week, beginning in April, us "effin meter maids" write tickets where cars are parked on the sweeping routes. It runs April through November every year. The signs are permanent so you know in advance, if you read, can read, willing to read, watch the news, listen to the local radio stations.
On some of the routes the citizens will warn others not to park on the designated side of the street to be swept. And sometimes citizens who are practicing "The Force" enlist Master Jedi's to help.

Jedi mind tricks have no effect on me.

Pictures At 20 Paces

2010-03-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was driving around picking up some "timed marks." (Cars that are timed for a 1 or 2 hour timer interval) There were some employees hanging out enjoying the beautiful weather. This attractive young lady (they are all younger at my age) wanted to take my picture. Undoubtedly to be made as a dartboard target at a later time. I had a chance to shoot her too.

What Do You Ride

2010-03-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

During my daily travels I often come upon wonderful older vehicles. Some are beautiful collectible cars/motorcycles and some are..well, I will let you decide on this.

Are you missing something?

2009-12-23T05:26:00.000-07:00

A couple of months back, a fellow "effin' meter maid" of mine places a call to dispatch. He asks for the local police to come out to an alley. Why? Because he found a leg. So I decided to head to his direction. Upon arrival I noticed the police already there. And there in the alley was a leg. Bloodied and boney, lopped off just below the knee. One of the police officers touched it with his foot.
Now at a distance it kinda' looked like a real leg but as I got closer I was able to tell that it was definately fake. Though a good fake. It was a great movie and or Hallween prop. The original suspicions were valid since this neighborhood was not exactly a great hood' and has seen its share of violence.

I pulled out my camera and took a pic of the awesome appendage.

What We See

2009-11-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we see things that seem a little out of place.

If we somebody or some animal in trouble, we will get help. We are not always there to write a citation.

It is 99.9% of our job.

I'm not always in a hurry...

2009-11-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

I am not always in a hurry to issue a citation. Sometimes I won't write a ticket at all. But if I am kinda in a hurry, I won't wait for you to wake up, dress in something other than your PJ's nor allow you to comb your hair.

(I waited for this couple to move their cars. No citations issued)

This couple were awesome friendly kind citizens.

If you can't read/understand then...

2009-11-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

As the technologies change in parking, we are still left with the question: Can the parking citizen read and understand?

Jim (a business owner) reminded me about a constant in parking issues, the parking citizen's failure to read the sign's. Now this isn't true for all citizen's. I came across a citizen just yesterday who I caught reading the all important parking restriction signs. I complimented the citizen for: A) Being able to read B) Actually reading the restriction sign C) Understanding what the sign said D) All of the above

It was "D." I enjoyed this particular citizen obviously. I always enjoy the citizens who take time out and read my signs.

Now here is the the next issue, we have new kiosk signs and technologies that we are testing. (I posted this picture of technologies still in use in another state..Kentucky) The signs and the way the parking citizens are now asked to pay for in certain areas, has become more complicated.

We "..effin meter maids" are now using technologies to alert us when a vehicle has been at a spot too long. (computerized handheld ticket issuing devices) And we also now have BlackBerry's that alert us if a parking citizen has purchased a temporary parking voucher, with a time limit on it, that has now expired. The citizen has to subscribe for this service in advance. The parking citizen will get an alert when their time is expiring and asks them if the want to pay for more time. The "...effin meter maids" are then alerted again on the their BlackBerry that the parking citizen has re-paid for more time. All of these new technologies are great but... I just want the parking citizen to read the fuckin' signs. Kudos to the ones who can figure out the new technologies andsigns. I fully expect to now get pictures of the "middle finger" sent to our BlackBerry's and or a text with the standard "Fuck You."

Really, I can be nice.

2009-09-17T08:00:00.000-06:00

I issued a ticket to an Audi, from an eastern state, about two weeks ago. It was a nice young lady. (I like nice young ladies) Anyway she came up to me as I issued the ticket. I explained that it was for an invalid plate in this state. She did not have a current plate sticker for her state. She understood but thought her father sent her ALL the correct paperwork. I drove off. About 5 minutes later, she had found me on another street. I pulled over and looked at her registration paperwork as she presented it to me. Everything was current but.. I again explained that for her home state, I was fairly sure that they issued plate year tabs, as well as window registrations.

Here is where I get soft and or nice. I said that until I find out from my Supervisor, who will investigate her state's DMV, that I won't issue her a anymore plate tickets. I also said that I don't work in the evenings and that she still could get more plate violations. Several days later I saw her again and she had called her parent's and sure enough, she was missing her sticker. I confirmed that I had found out the same. (That was late last week) On Monday or Tuesday I came across her car and I noticed that it had new (my state's) plates on it. There was also a note in her window addressed to me.."Effin Meter Maid, See I got new plates, have a nice weekend." I told her that I would be on a vacation this coming weekend and someone who is not as wonderful and caring as I, would be assigned to this area and might issue her tickets.

She is another college student in an area that I often patrol in. I figure since I am in this area often, I have to spend a lot of face time talking with the students so they understand what is required from the city in regards to how and where to park. I feel I simply can't just issue tickets and then drive off with their mouths agape. Often the students are from another area and or state and they are very new to parking. Hell, some of them have only been driving a few years.

This particular young lady was very pleased and was aware that I was going above what I would normally do. She said the "N" word. She said I was nice. I told her not to spread any false rumors and or hopes. I told her that if confronted, I will deny that I was ever nice to her, or anyone. (with a smile)

The rest of you, don't get any idea's.

No Tissue's

2009-09-17T07:40:00.000-06:00

So last week I was enforcing around a fairly large college campus..(they have their own police but the streets are enforced by the city) I was issuing a ticket to a vehicle that was parked too long. Max is 1 hour. As the ticket was printing a young lady came up to me and was pleading with me not to give her a ticket. As I always say, " I can't..once I start I have to finish." (Note: We use hand held computers and they lock when we enter the license plates) As I was looking down at my printer I heard some sobbing..I looked at the young female citizen and she had tears in her eyes. Sad she was..she said she could not afford it and was pleading with me. I was slightly taken aback..since it has been a year since I made a citizen cry over a $25 ticket. Alas, a job is a job and I issued the ticket.

This past Monday, same area, I issued a ticket to a young man who became very angry. He didn't cry but he did call me every name he could think of. For a college student, as he claimed he was one, I found his vocabulary to be quite limited. Oh, and he kept calling me "Dude." "Dude, don't give me that ticket. Dude, I wasn't there that long. Dude, don't be a fucking' ass." I gave him my actual name and then handed him the ticket and then drove to the next car 60ft away. The young angry man jogged after me and again was demanding that I take the ticket back because he was not there that long. I showed him where the computer calculated to the second, how long he was there. In an explosion of expletives he tried to rip up the plastic like ticket. Of course he was unable to and finally threw it on the ground. I then wished him to have a better day and moved on.

I am not heartless..

2009-07-27T19:27:00.000-06:00

..but I am concerned when you use your mother, uncle, father, aunt, son, daughter, wife, husband and or the hot neighbor as an excuse for not feeding the meter. I understand that we are at/near a hospital and the above excuses are very sick and or near death(Never are they just in for a blood test, cast, discharge etc..) I am not sure if your mother, uncle, father, monkey, goldfish or hamster would approve of you using them as an excuse. I understand that you chose not to use the FREE parking garages that are closer to the hospital/clinic and that you preferred to park a block or two away.

If your (reread the above scapegoats) were really sick and or near death, you have my appreciation that you were more concerned about me issuing you a ticket, than you not leaving their side and keeping them in comfort.

Whateva..

I gave you a ticket because...

2009-07-27T18:53:00.000-06:00

While I was out on my assigned beat today...

I issued a ticket to a vehicle today, license plate infraction if you must know. (You don't need to know but I will play along) I was down at the other end of the street and then turned around and headed back to the vehicle I issued the ticket to. At that same time the owner came up to his vehicle and noticed his citation in the door. I calmly rolled down my window and told him what the citation was for. He said he thought it was for being too far from the curb and that he is going to adjust his vehicle because he didn't like its position. (I am so diggin' this citizen) Side note: Earlier when I cited him I noticed he had a license plate holder/frame indicating his favorite team. Hell, even his license plate indicated what team he was a sap for. So... I had a little fun with him. "Sir," I said, "The citation is also for being a fan of (insert crappy team here)." He pointed at me with, get this, a finger that is not associated with a feathery animal and said, "Good One."
Despite the ticket I gave him, I think I made a friend. He left me with an impression that there is still hope for humanity. At least until tomorrow.

Click Click Click Click...

2009-07-27T18:46:00.000-06:00

The sound of a frustrated woman in high heels, chasing me down the street after receiving a ticket. I am in my enforcement vehicle. She was in her...Steve Madden's..?

I appreciate that you..

2009-07-26T09:10:00.000-06:00

Dear Citizens,

I appreciate that you look me in the eye, and flip me off. As you drive by..

A Raider Fan

2009-07-26T08:51:00.000-06:00

I was working my assigned beat about 2 weeks ago...

I had issued a ticket to a vehicle parked in a no parking zone. I was on the next block over when a vehicle behind me began to honk. I stopped and he pulled up along my passenger side. He was angry that I issued him a ticket and he asked me to take it back..? I said no. Duh.

He then proceeded to call me and my profession names and I then instructed him to get out of traffic, to move on. (5 cars are now behind him) He threatened to hurt me. I threatened to call the local sheriff and he can can complain to the sheriff about his unhappiness with my ticket.

The unhappy citizen left.

About ten minutes later the citizen was back. This time I noticed he was ready for an escalated confrontation for he was now donning an Oakland Raider hat. That's how I knew he meant business. He threatened to go get a video camera and film me and give it to the local news. Why? I do feel that I am somewhat handsome, with my clothes on of course. (I have seen myself naked and it really isn't that great.) But I don't take pictures well. Long story longer, I told the Raider fan to go away for I am now calling the local sheriff. He finally left.

I should have told him that I am also a Raider fan. True statement.

Its good to support your favorite pro team.

I don't care.

2009-07-26T08:17:00.001-06:00

You have a truck. Attached to the truck is a 15ft trailer. The front of the truck, at the bumper is a sign. The sign indicates that citizens are not to park there, ever. It also states something about being towed. Now that sign is at the end of a street at the corner of that street. About 15-20ft from that corner. Picture the above truck that is always longer than 15-20ft. (You still with me?) That truck, has an attached trailer. The trailer is 5ft into the intersection. A safety risk? Not according to the citizen, keep reading. Did I mention that there is a 4ft ramp protruding from the end of the above trailer? No? Sorry, my bad. So I drove up to the citizen and asked him to move both vehicles to a safer spot. I repeated. I waited. I advised him of a possible fine of $100. I drove down the street after getting a rattle of acknowledgement. I looked back, and the citizen went back to what he was doing, mowing a lawn. Now to be honest, he was not exactly happy that I wanted him to move his vehicles, out of the intersection. I drove back to him and said again, please move your vehicle so not to get two tickets worth $100. He said he was almost done. I said "I don't care."

Funny, sometimes I believe that my duties include protecting other citizens from potential accidents. I have to ask people to move their vehicle in spite of THEMSELVES. Heaven forbid that I am keeping them from being involved in a accident by a fault of their own.

With a few expletives (swear words, sailors salt) he finally got into his truck and drove away. He drove away around the corner. I also left. 2 minutes later he was parked in the same spot, back to mowing. Obviously I was back and proceeded to issue him a ticket. Only one ticket mind you, for $50. The citizen threw every swear word he knew at me.

Was I too pushy? Should I have left him alone?

The citizens down the street working in their yard, exactly 6 houses down, heard every expletive.

Uh, oh!

2009-07-26T07:31:00.000-06:00

I was out on my assigned beat one morning and I received a phone call..from my mommy. I pulled over next to the curb. I can't remember if the phone call was important or not but I had a minute or two to say hi and how you doin'. I had my mom on speaker. I often look around, in my mirrors and such and sure enough, a citizen approached my window. I rolled it down four inches..he had a ticket in his hand.

The Citizen with a deep and poignant voice: "Are you meter maid #5?

Me: "No."

The deep voiced citizen: "Well meter maid #5 gave me this ticket (places it against the safety barrier also known as the thin glass window) and I want to ask him why. I have been driving around here looking for him"

Me looking at the date/info on the ticket: "Um..sir, that ticket was written two weeks ago."

My Mommy, heard through speaker phone: "uh ohhh!"

Me to my mommy: "Mom, I will have to call you back."

Now you would be wondering as I was, why the citizen was driving around for two weeks looking for meter maid #5. You might be feeling a sense of panic starting to rise within yourself, as I did. You might also hear a small but distinct voice in your head saying, "ohhh fuck." Again, as I did.

As I sit there, the few brain cells I have racing and running into each other, I try to come up with a plan and or answer to this determined citizen. I told the citizen the truth. "Sir we have different beats every day. You might not see meter maid #5 for another 2 weeks. More importantly that ticket is going to double in one week and you might want to take care of that ticket today." The citizen went on to explain how he doesn't deserve the ticket and why it was paramount that he finds meter maid #5. It was paramount that I would be able to leave this area/citizen with all my fingers and other assorted appendages. (Well, I felt a little concerned)

I had my finger poised to push the emergency call button which sends...my...what.. dispatcher into a panic? (Never had to push the "Panic Button.")

I restated my concern to the citizen that he needs to contact the meter maid main office as soon as he can. If he wishes to question the ticket. I explained to the citizen that I am helpless, I mean, I am unable to help him with a ticket when issued by anyone.

After a long pause, the citizen walked back to his car and drove away.

As a fellow carbon based lifeform, we all have similar desires and one is that we want our questions answered. Sometimes it may take two weeks to hunt down an answer. And we might still be left with questions.

Just because you are a law student...

2009-07-26T06:57:00.000-06:00

I was summond to court last year on a ticket I issued. Now I try to write nothing but good tickets because I dont like going to court. It wastes the citizens time and it costs the city money being in court because I am not writing tickets. YES! I am sincere about not wasting the citizens time so I try to write the best ticket possible. I wrote about 16K tickets last year, 39 cancels and about 12 court cases. Just in case you didn't know..thats pretty good. (from my point of view)

Now as I was typing..I had to go to court on a ticket I issued to a vehicle parked for more than two hours in a posted 2 hour zone. I had to go sit on the "stand" and tell the court why and how I issued this particular ticket. The citizen wanted to ask me a couple of questions and it went something like this:

The Citizen: "Officer ..effin meter maid, can you prove that you were at my car at the time you stated you were?"

(Earlier when he was sworn in by the judge to give his testimony, he proudly exclaimed that he was a law student)...sorry I interrupted my own story..

Before I could say yes, the judge wanted to answer this one..Now this judge is noted for being fair to both sides. She was fair to the meter maids and fair to the citizens. You write a bad ticket and she had no patience for you. And the same goes for the citizen, you state a bad case or reason for the ticket being dismissed and you were toast.

The judge has her left hand under her chin and her left elbow resting on her desk..err podium. Throne? She looks at the citizen with a sparkle of intrigue in her eyes..

The Judge: " Didn't you receive the ticket on the car by the officer?'

Citizen: "yes."

Judge with a look of puzzlement: "Well that is how he proved he was there."

Citizen: "But he (Me) didn't prove that he was there like with a photograph or GPS.."

The Judge clearly befuddled and still with her hand on her chin but now glaring at the law student: "The officer doesn't take pictures of himself issuing tickets and you stated you did receive the ticket on your car."

The Citizen now squirming under the judges piercing eyes and what had seemed like a 5 minute pause: "Your honor I change my plea to guilty."

Now I am not the brightest meter maid, but that law student had me feeling pretty smart.

Yes, the house four doors down can hear you.

2009-07-25T20:28:00.000-06:00

Yup, yelling and screaming at me will get me to stop writing you a ticket. Not.

I need bleach for my eyes!

2009-07-25T20:22:00.000-06:00

This is only a request...

If your are going to run out of your house/apartment to stop me from writing you a ticket, please take a second or two to check what your are wearing. Or not wearing.

Its only a request.

For the dignity of your neighbors...

Your children..

Your friends...

Job Oppenings

2009-07-25T20:17:00.000-06:00

"You Fuckin' parking Nazi, Get a real job!"

My job is real and so are the paychecks. At least my bank thinks so, because they keep cashing my checks.

"But, I was getting a Starbucks coffee"

2009-07-25T20:09:00.000-06:00

The signs don't change for your convenience.

This is my usual statement after giving a ticket to a citizen who has parked against the wishes of the city ordinance. These signs are clearly posted, usually within the throwing distance of a four year old.

If the van is a rockin'...

2009-07-25T19:39:00.000-06:00

I was enforcing my assigned beat one day...

I had come across a van that had an expired license plate, and so I started to write a ticket on this van. This van was parked on a not so busy street next to a park. It was about 11 am. Now keep in mind I am in my enforcement vehicle. As I pulled up along the side of this "soccer mom" van I noticed it had tinted windows. So I do what I always do and try to look through the windows to see if there is a driver just sitting in the driver seat. There was nobody in the front seat but someone was in the "driver's seat." As I was placing the ticket on the door I looked up to see a woman trying to: Place her right foot/leg over the arm rest, as she was ducking to not hit her head while trying to pull up her pants. Talented and probably a once a week yoga class enthusiast. Now I was somewhat distracted because I noticed movement to my right, through the tinted side window. I can vaguely see an outline of a man trying to also get dressed.

I being a professional, drove away.